CHAPTER 4: JOHNNY CUERVO'S PURPLE PENIS IS CELESTIAL!!!

Nimrod conducts. (Technical difficulties with the mics this week, so sorry). Special Guest JOHNNY CUERVO, The Bartender of the Great and Spacious Building joins us!  Drink recommendations and recipes fo that ass!  It’s Vodka night.  The Lovely Lady Magdalene blesses us with her presence as well.  Bastard discusses floating!  How many pumps before it’s considered “sex”?  Nimrod went to church last week, placed bets on criers and took the sacrament!  Porter doesn’t know about Lamanite wards.  Johnny Cuervo’s Sex on the Beach.  The best Mormon blog ever!  Lady Magdalene reads “Going Cowgirl”.  Johnny Cuervo’s specialty is a “Purple Penis”.  JC talks to us about his Mormon background, and how he became a master bartender.  Coffee is a gateway sin.  Our drink rating system.  Drinking advice for beginners.  JC shares his secret drink recipes.  CHECK OUT JOHNNY CUERVO’S DRINK RECIPES PAGE on our site - Brand New!!!  New drinkers need to practice at home first!  Liquor before beer... its a RULE!!!  The Purple Penis gave BJ cottonmouth.  Recommendations: Louie, Wiz Khalifa, Newsroom, Sandman, Bloody Red Hooker, and a shout out to all the ladies from Lady Magdalene.  Cheers and Batter’s Up are great bars.  

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CHAPTER 3: SIR, YOUR PENIS HIT MY EAR...

The Bastard Son of Joseph conducts. This is a long episode, BUT it’s still shorter than church!  You’re welcome.  We have a DONATE button on our site! Give us a fast offering and keep the show going... and you don’t even have to fast!  Nimrod is not drunk this time... YET.  Bastard gives Porter a vodka taste test.  Next week we will have a DRINKING SHOW with a special guest!  Porter wants to know if we like his hair.... WTF?  What is normal protocol if a penis bumps your ear?   We review Dark Knight Rises.  Would you kiss Joseph Gordon Levitt?  We talk about Aurora, CO.  Nimrod gets worked up.  Monson has Alzheimer’s??? Please let it be true!  What happens to the Church when Monson goes crazy?  BJ golfs with GA’s.  Did Brigham have brothels?  Smith and Brigham were like Snoop and Dre.  Have we become hypocrites after leaving the Church?  Is it our duty to “convert” Mormons to the dark side?  We talk about our beliefs.  Atheist vs. Agnostic.  Porter is the dark side missionary.  We go deep.. so deep...  We are out to piss you off.  Recommendations are Superman, Avett Bros, Preacher, Prometheus, Kid Cudi.  BJ retracts last week’s recommendation.  Fuck Twilight!  BJ says you need to watch In Bruges!  Listen to The Patois Band!   

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CHAPTER 2: GETTIN' SKIPPY WIT IT

Orrin Porter conducts.  Nimrod not quitting, just stopping.  We are in the Great and Spacious Building.  The missionaries don't REALLY care about Porter.  We're on Twitter and Facebook!  Add us.  We got email from a fan... and it's a GIRL!  The Businessweek Mormon cover.  We have stock in Burger King???  We want Whopper Temple Night!  Fox is liberal... in Utah.  Nimrod got drunk... again.  Skippy IS a virgin!!!  WE WANT SKIPPY ON THE SHOW!  The Ensign tells Mormons to stay married to their apostates.  We talk about shaving balls.  Has your pubic hair changed since leaving the church?  The Whitehorse Prophecy.  Obama is the Antichrist.  Porter is voting Obama, BJ is voting Bruce Banner.  How do Mormons view themselves vs. how the world views them?  What happened to Kony?  Mormons hate polygamy.  What'd you say 'bout my Heavenly Mama?  We give recommendations for stuff.  Nimrod attempts to give a drunken explanation of Superstring theory.... yeah.  Ted Talks make you smarter.  Email us!  What do you want to hear?

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CHAPTER 1: ONE TOE IN

In the beginning there was darkness... Our first episode!  Nimrod conducts.  
Welcome to hell.  BJ keeps one toe in... just in case.  No sex in the lower kingdoms?  Where does angel Nimrod take a shit?  Formal introductions of the panel.  BJ is a bastard, Emma who?  Nimrod joined because “everybody’s doing it”.  Whispering testimonies. The Bishop’s daughter makes referrals.  Porter is still on the records.  In the CHAPEL???  We take the sacrament... but forget the prayer.  We’ve been drinking. Porter shares mission stories. Tree of life showers. Can’t feel the spirit around all these penises! We drink to the missionaries. Nimrod was a Jack Mormon. Leaving the church... ahh the memories. Nimrod doesn’t think the brethren believe. Prophet hides his whiskey in the holy of holies. Nimrod is his name. Porter is the douchebag of heaven. Email us! How long does it really take to leave the church? Bill Hicks rollercoaster ride. This is the best part. Is religion good for some people? Why is everybody leaving? Porter is 99% Atheist. Nimrod is a cult survivor, now he is a Jedi. Do you believe in God? BJ won’t answer. Welcome to fuckin’ heaven. Atheists don’t get elected, but they make better decisions. God is a fortune cookie machine. Everyone is selfish. Our dark passenger. Masturbation. Do we really have female listeners? More weiner stories from the MTC. Nimrod is a lesbian.

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